i think i'm dumb. maybe just happy.
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "boddahfly" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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12:22 pm
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i spend too much time
trying to figure out why things in my past happened. what they mean. what i should do. if i can fix it.
maybe i should just say i don't fucking know, what happens happens and live the rest of my life without worrying about it.
but its just how i am. i want things in my life to go my way. i need to stop worrying...
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12:56 pm
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woooo
good new years last nightttt
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11:46 pm
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carbon copies.
people need to think for themselves instead of drawing their opinions from their parents or friends.
do you believe in that religion because YOU honestly believe its true or because your parents do, and their parents did, and etc etc etc...
same goes for any political/religious/other opinion...
i'm all for people having their own opinions. different, same, i DONT care as long as its YOURS. not your parents or grandparents, or best friends.
if someone else/society didn't beat the idea into your head, would you feel that strongly about it, if at all?
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08:29 pm
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Something interesting.
Mardudjara Aborigines-Australia
When a young man becomes of age, his tribal elders lead him into seclusion. The men will lay down surrounding the boy facing away from a fire. An assistant will sit on the boy’s chest, while another elder will pull and twist the boy’s foreskin and proceed to slice it off. The men will take the boy to kneel upon a shield over a low-lit fire and made to eat ìgood meat.î Essentially, the meat is the boy’s own foreskin. He must swallow without chewing it, and once he has succeeded, he as eaten his ìown boy,î and become a man. When the circumcision heals, the young man will go through a subincision. His penis will be sliced on the underside, sometimes to the scrotum. The man is then made to stand over a fire to allow the blood to drip into it and purify it. Apparently men do this to sympathize with their female counterparts. And although they will now have to squat to urinate because of these incision, when they become married, some men will often times repeat the same blood-letting process.
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10:43 pm
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Robots.
The one thing that sometimes scares me about life more than anything, is how robot-like we humans really are. We like to think of ourselves as being capable of anything imaginable. But all it takes is for one person to be wired just a little differently, and their psyche is altered. We are not invincible; as some like to believe. We get sick. Our bones break. The safety of our own minds is put in jeopardy-we lose some, or all, power. If not for modern medicine and a knowledge of the human body; we'd be rendered useless, like a little electronic toy that could walk and talk until exposed to the cruel fate of the bathtub or the family dog. Or not. As long as we are alive; our spirit cannot be broken unless we allow it to be. There are many amazing people who have overcome seemingly hopeless illness, deformity, injury...these people, are truly inspiring. As I sit in fear of what I could possibly become, I look at someone who has it seemingly far physically worse than I could ever imagine, and they almost always have this radiant smile on their face, like they never take a moment of life for granted. Something I envy. We humans are not perfect nor immortal. Life can snap us like twigs, kill us, warp our minds. But what matters is that we have a constant smile. We are grateful to be alive. If we live beautiful lives, it will leave an imprint on life after we're gone.
I love me some Ralph Waldo Emerson quotations.
 
"This time like all times is a very good one, if you know what to do with it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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01:26 pm
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i really
need a job so i can move out of this damn house.
and do what i wanna fucking do
ahhhhh
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11:04 pm
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time traveler
if i could re-do 2005 and 2006, i'd do it in a heartbeat
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08:46 pm
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frequent victim of nostalgia
if i could go back and do it all again i really would.
i wouldn't ruin friendships and take people for granted.
i'd try in school.
maybe if i did that i wouldn't be half assing it through some community college with zero friends except for the occasional boyfriend and family.
it seems like i have this bad habit of burning bridges and alienating people for some fucked up reason i can't figure out. am i trying to prove myself to people? i have no idea
can i just restart my whole life please? thanks
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08:55 pm
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GET OUT
even though it was a completely stupid dream,
i'd really like it if you'd quit raping my mind as i sleep.
it makes me feel rather nauseous when i wake up.
thanks.
in other news; i searched the number that wouldn't quit calling me on whitepages and it belonged to some brenda showalter. i don't know anyone with that name or last name; but brenda sounds like an adult name and it was a house phone number so i figured her like 12 year old daughter was prank calling me (probably from randomly typing my number in the phone and thinking she was hilarious) so i called the number and the mom answered i told her i'd like it if her daughter stopped harrassing me and she's like "yeah" in an irritated tone of voice haha; i really hope her daughter fucking got it. her ass won't call me again.
=)
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08:44 pm
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immaturity at it's best
does it make you feel good to prank call me?
in your head, are you like HAHA I GOT HER NOW!!
if so, then congratulations.
but next time, at least try to make the prank call funny.
maybe think before you call me instead of trying to be clever on the spot.
which we all know you're incapable of doing even if you think but whatever...
at least one thing in my life is looking up right now.
;)
and nothing can bring that down.
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11:44 am
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happy thanksgiving!!
gahh i can't wait to eat but the food's still cooking so blah.
hahah some bitch comments a picture of my ex and i and says "i dated him" like OO GOOD FOR YOU I DON'T CARE. i should've commented back and said something like "well im so happy to see his standards raised" but i just said umm THATS cool? i'm pretty sure she'll get the hint that nobody cares and she's not special. like seriously, who does that? who comments a picture of their ex and their ex's new girlfriend and feels the fucking need to point out they dated him? trust me, i know, he talked enough shit about your ugly ass.
Bitch.
why are girls so goddamned dumb? this is why my friends are guys.
tim and danielle are up for thanksgiving, mega excited cause they're hilarious to hang around.
haha sorry i had that little explosion.
HAPPY THANKSGIVINGGGGGG
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09:50 pm
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RAWRRR
i really really really want to be in alabama right now. i can stand being in north carolina for like three months then im like crying to head back south. haha. i miss my family, in north carolina its just my friends who will stab me in the back/crush me if it benefits them. my family in alabama doesn't do that bullshit and i miss it. ahhhhh i should really transfer to troy state
Current Mood:  sad
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10:02 pm
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Schizophrenia.
What a waste of a beautiful, beautiful mind.
I only have a few memories of when you were well, or semi-well.
For the rest I rely on home videos, photos, and personal stories.
I heard your smile could light up a room, and I believe it. It's the one peice of you they can't take away.
I also heard everybody loved you. We still do.
You were a shy, submissive, dreamer type of soul, something I see in my own self.
You were so incredibly smart, even tested to see if you were gifted.
Your one true passion was flying. Always with those aviators and bomber jackets. A style I stole from you ;p
Usually, when people complain about chronic bad luck, I write them off as ignorant and unable to see the goodness around them. But sometimes...it seems like the worst really does happen to those least deserving. Maybe it's just because I know you personally. But still...Why? Why destroy a beautiful mind? Why wait silent and dormant until someone is almost an adult, then suddenly put them in fear of what lies their own brain will spit at them? It's unfair.
Life...is not fair. Something I've been told since I was in kindegarten.
Something I still struggle to grasp when it comes to the people I care about.
Humans get sick all the time.
You'll never know who or when. It's just a fact of life.
But I dont have to like it. One bit.
Schizophrenia, is probably the cruelest disorder I can think of.
IT IS NOT MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, or now known as dissociative identity disorder. (So for the people who think the phrase "I'm schizophrenic, and so am I" is funny, you better keep reading) It's not a disease, which has set symptoms.
Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality.
Basically, the line between what is real, and what is not becomes blurred.
It can affect all five senses, but the most common are auditory hallucinations, bizarre delusions, (most common is that someone wants to hurt them) or disorganized speech/thinking, and it cripples them in life.
No one is quite sure what the cause is. But it is thought that some of it is genetics, prenatal exposure to infections, and social pressures. No one really knows if drugs cause it, or make it worse.
I can get into it more, but I want to move onto other things. Look it up.
Schizophrenia usually rears its head when the individual is in early adulthood, basically giving that person until adulthood to plan out their life, their dreams, their aspirations, then once adulthood comes, it gets ripped away.
The hardest part, is watching your heart break right in front of me, when we tell you that we must leave and you cannot come with us.
You are not allowed to decide for yourself. You are a ward of the state, and have been so for many years. Which is terribly inhumane, to me.
I enjoy visiting you. But I still wish I could snap my fingers and have a conversation with the real you, not the sick you. I want to snap my fingers, so you'll wake up in your bed with a confused look on your face, pack your bags and come into the world and live your life how you want to, not trapped in the 80's in a mental hospital.
I want you to tell me your family stories, your dreams, I want to hear your sense of humor. I can only get little bits and peices of the real you, here and there.
I guess for now, I'm putting together a puzzle.
Tags: schizophrenia
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09:42 pm
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plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen...
"friendships come and go" yeah most, but not all. but through it all one person has always been there for me through everything...ashton. maybe it's because she's my cousin and its a family thing. sometimes we argue, i mean we're girls-it's inevitable. but she's with me through all the bullshit & the good times. i don't know if anyone else out there is an astrology fiend but the only friends that can seem to handle my personality are cancers. i can think of three cancers right off the bat who have that one trait no one else does, or at least they've honed it better-compassion...compassion and the ability to understand and empathize. because lord knows i'm a posessive, hotheaded scorpio and cancers are the only ones that can stand me sometimes. Hah...
random thoughts, i know. i normally don't believe in hocus pocus like that but it always ends up being true...most everyone resembles their star sign to a high degree.
my birthday party wasn't that big because it was planned late but its the thought that counts. at least i had a celebration. the four of us sitting around getting drunk, eating cake (with cardboard candles hahah daniel), and fucking around with a homeade oujia (sp?) board. hah. and i convinced everyone to watch the notebook before we passed out. I win.
i can't wait for alabama, i really cant. i love any excuse to escape north carolina. ooh we have red clay. how EXCITING of a state. plus anywhere were people know me very well isn't good...
Current Music: plateau-nirvana. meatpuppets cover.
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10:49 am
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i think i'm gonna make a to-do list
my moms all bitching and moaning about me going to register for next semester-GO EARLY AND REGISTERRR-yeah i would if i had the damned CAR?! dad took off to work with it so now im just sitting at home. i really need a job, this is gay...need to fund the nicotine habit & i really need some posterboard (dont ask) among other things. sports clips called yesterday and wanted to set up and interview today-yayy-too bad the fucking denver store called. yeah right i'm not dragging my ass out to denver for some part time minimum wage job. saturday is supposed to be my birthday party but i havent even invited anyone yet because brett and daniel still haven't cleared with daniel's sister how many people she wants over at her house. brett got me an amazing birthday gift though-the 20th anniversary Bleach record. I loveddd it. At bretts house 2 days ago I met some kid named Kevin and he says he can give me free guitar lessons :) i'm supposed to have my first one today. i really want to learn the guitar so if all else fails in my life at least i can make some street money off that hah. and i have to clean my disgusting filthy room so i'll talk to you lataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Current Mood:  stressed
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10:17 am
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yay its my birfday!!!!
i'm 19 today!!
and i'm spending my birthday morning fighting with the goddamned internet trying to register for classes but WHATEVER idc its still my birfday!!
=)
brett has some sort of surprise for me he ordered off the internet. woooo
wonder what it is
everyones bombing my facebook with happy birthdayyy
haha this is why i like my birthday. people you haven't talked to in years finally come out of their shell and say hi. muahaha.
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11:05 am
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birfydayyyyy
tomorrows my birfdayyy! <3 1-9 :)
a year closer to 21!
;]
i'm back in shitty north carolina. i wanna go back to seattle. best.trip.EVER.
my friend kaitlyn is originally from seattle and she says we can move back there after she's done with school and be roomies. hehe. sounds like a plan to me.
THE EAST COAST IS SO FAR AWAY FROM SEATTLE:(:(:(:(:(
today im going over to bretts and we're gonna make pie.
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12:52 pm
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splendid!
a few days ago i made a trip to aberdeen. it was the coolest experience, ever-sitting on the muddy banks of the wishkah, seeing where my musical idol grew up and hung around...i got to see a few of his old houses! it was great...i took a daisy from the banks of the wishkah with the intent on preserving it but it fell apart. oh well. i got a leaf from viretta park im in the middle of preserving. while we were in aberdeen i went into a gas station and a subway and everyone looked at me like they knew i wasn't from around, and they knew why i was there. haha. i bet they get a lot of crazed nirvana fans. but can you really blame them <3333
Current Mood: grandmatakemehome!
Current Music: NIRVANA!
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03:55 pm
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BEAT ME OUT OF ME...
This place REEKS of teen spirit. dear lord. i LOVE IT.
Seattle is so great. I love everything about it. When we first got here, we went to Pike's Place Market, a really cool place with a lot of shops and fish throwing. Haha. We went to the first Starbucks EVER! Caramel frapp of course. It was freezing, but I don't care, hot beverages just taste like poop to me. Except for hot chocolate. :) Then we went to KURT'S MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE AND VIRETTA PARK. it was so surreal, yet so just calm and normal feeling. I sat my ass on the bench his beautiful ass sat on years and years ago, saw the house he lived in over two decades past...I signed the bench, I drew a huge heart that says "I've been locked inside Kurt's heart-shaped box for weeks - Adrienne" Ahhh what I would give to live there, on Lake Washington in the Denny-Blaine neighborhood...We also went to the Microsoft headquarters (boring) 2nd day, Kurt's house again and Pike's place where I found some cool Nirvana things. I just bought a cd (Unplugged in New York) and some postcards that I don't plan on departing with, ever. I wish I just couldve stayed all day in Viretta Park. God. I'm definitely returning every day until Saturday when we leave. I'm probably gonna cry, I don't wanna go back to the east coast. Also on the bench, I wrote "I know Courtney's innocent. I love you Kurt you changed my life-ALR" Thats right. Courtney's innocent. Bite me. I've loved her since I was a child. Gooooddd, I love Seattle. The only thing missing from it...Kurt. Even though its so cool and everything being here...I wish he was still alive. What I wouldn't give to sit and talk to him about his music, life, anything on that bench in Viretta Park...ah. Something was missing the entire time I was there...him. But. His Soul lives on.
Current Mood: YAY!
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09:21 am
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grunge all day grunge all night IM IN SEATTLE BITCH
woo im HERE!!!!1
its amazinggggg
kurts house and viretta park today wooooooooooo
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